Love days like today…

When my ex tries his hardest to drive me crazy and it simply doesn’t work; (you are NOT getting back into MY computer…EVER.  Give up already.) when my boyfriend calls just to say good morning, he loves me and hopes I have a great day; when Ryan is happy going to school, confident it’s going to be a good day; when I talk to my dad first thing and his comments about said ex’s attempts still have me laughing.  And my conversation this morning with Ryan about the “Stupid Karate Kid.”  At 11 years old my son says “Does he even have a clue that I could take him down without even breaking a sweat mom?”  LOVE this kid!!!  The past week was very trying.  I’ve done some writing this morning, but didn’t get much sleep last night.  I was stuck in the dream stage all night and they weren’t very good dreams.  I dreamt of grown men not brushing their teeth, and the build up of their mothers breast milk lying along their gum line.  I dreamt of pathetic human beings, wasting space on this earth for those of us truly worthy of being here.  It was a restless night, and since I’ve done some writing already, and Ryan’s off to school, I think I’m going to take myself a little cat nap.  As I begin to fall asleep, I’ll recall all of the memories we made yesterday and last night, and hopefully get this monster out of my head.  He belongs in an institution, not taking up precious space in my brain.  Hope you all have a good day!!

PLH4 Always!!!!

~Kate…one extremely exhausted, Kate.

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Something’s gotta give…

My mood is good, but I need change.  So, instead of writing, I’ve gone to my mother’s house and retrieved all of my books that I have collected over the years.  Books that inspire me, books that teach me, books that make me feel good.  I’m going to go through them all one by one, and pick out the one that screams at me.  I know it’s in there.  So, maybe I’ll take a day or two off from blogging, and just be in the moment.  I want to enjoy what little time I have left with my son home from school.  I am one mom who will not be doing “The Back To School Happy Dance” this year.  We have made so much progress, I’m afraid that going to school will cause some major regression.  I wish I knew more about home schooling, or not schooling at all and letting my son learn through living.  I hate sending him off to school, like a sheep, because society says that’s what’s best for my son.  Well, unless or until I do my research and find out what exactly I have to do to be able to allow my son to learn the way I want him to, I’ll send him to school with a heavy heart, and write in his journal my intentions.  Maybe one day he’ll forgive me for sending him to such a nasty place.  However, because I’m not educated on what my rights are as his parent, I’m not willing to jeopardize the custody I have of him.  The last thing I need is a social worker telling me I’m neglecting him by keeping him out of school, when all I’d be trying to do is let him learn through hands on experience.  An A in any class doesn’t determine his worth.  Nor does it determine what he’s going to grow up and be interested in.  He’s expressed so many things he wants to do as he gets older.  I just told him the other day… he’s going to be 16 before he knows it.  I’m not going out to buy him his first car.  I may pitch in half, but absolutely refuse to buy it outright for him.  So, now every dollar he has goes right into his savings account.  He knows I’m not joking.  It’s nice to see him being responsible.  It’s funny… his birthday is coming up (October) and he only asked for one thing, which I already got him.  In all the years his father and I have been separated and divorced, no one from his side has ever reached out, sent a card or a present, etc.  I wonder how many Toy’s R US cards my 12 year old is going to receive this year at some point, to make up for missing his birthday.  These people don’t even know my son.  If they did, they’d know that any and all Toys R Us cards are given to my neighbor who has a 3 year old.  So sad…  I even sent all of my contact info to his aunt (his father’s sister) with no response.  Awesome.  Let’s hurt the kids because some of the adults are immature assholes. 

Anyway… I’m going to jump off the computer and go find that book.  Ryan is in good spirits today, so I have little to worry about.  He’s excited to meet the new doctor (as am I) and that’s just awesome.  I think this doctor is going to do wonders for Ryan, as he admitted that he also suffers from extreme anxiety.  So, cross your fingers and keep us in your prayers.  Until next time…

~Kate…one eager for change, Kate.

Houston, we have a problem… possibly. But I SO got this!

I took Ryan to his regular mental health doctor today for his weekly appointment, and he completely shut down.  Every time she asked a question, all she got were one word answers.  So, after the session, she came out to get me.  I don’t know what she was expecting (actually, I do, now that I’ve spoken to a child psychiatrist) but I spelled it out for her, she chose not to listen and prod Ryan, and got the results I told her she would get if she continued the prodding.  Right now, Ryan has a very strong dislike for his biological father, with good reason.  Do you think the man has made ANY attempt to even apologize for the false accusations he sent via a private PS3 message?  Nope.  I’ve gotten 2 texts.  “Does Ryan want to talk to me yet?”  That’s it.  Yesterday, when Ryan saw his father’s girlfriends son at school, he ran in the guidance office crying asking if he could please leave because he didn’t want to chance running into his “father.”  So, is this me bashing him?  Because that’s what he claims.  His exact words were “It’s bash after bash douche.”  Again, at what age is one expected to take accountability?  Sure you can tell Ryan all of these horrible things about me, but he LIVES WITH ME.  He knows they are not true and now sees you as a liar.  AWESOME!  And you want to blame ME for his anxiety issues? 

Well, Bill went to the doctor yesterday, and the doctor shook his hand and told him how refreshing it was to see a boyfriend take on such a huge role.  Ryan isn’t HIS responsibility, yet, he’s doing everything he can to help Ryan.  He’s doing ALL the things Ryan’s “father” should be doing.  And there’s no yelling and screaming in our house. There’s no name calling, and there’s no violence to toughen the kids up.  Ryan feels safe here, and has absolutely no interest in ever speaking to his “father” again.  So, a heads up “Dad”… Maybe you should apologize.  Maybe you should tell him you said these horrible things about me and Bill, out of anger and apologize for lying.  There’s a start.  And that’s all you’re getting from me.  I’m DONE helping you.

Now, let’s just hope Ryan is comfortable with the new doc, because him shutting down is NOT cool.  See?  We make all this progress, his father pops up and we’re back to the beginning.  Awesome.  And feel free to print this out and go cry to the judge you idiot.  This is NOT a bash… I’m sorry that the truth hurts.  I’m NOT sorry that Ryan wants nothing to do with you.  After the comments you made?  I wouldn’t be surprised AT ALL if he NEVER talks to you again, and it’s ALL YOUR DOING!!!

So, fellow bloggers, please keep Ryan in your prayers, that the new doctor will be able to get him to open up, and feel like the 11 year old he’s supposed to be?  It would be greatly appreciated.

~Kate…one fed up with making excuses for an adult man who refuses to take accountability, Kate.

****UPDATED****

I would also like to apologize for the negativity.  This man just happens to bring the best out of me (Um…sarcasm).  The things he has said and done to my son are things no child should be exposed to.  I wish I could put into words the new doctors expression when we informed him that Ryan’s “father” bought him Grand Theft Auto 5 for Christmas.  The game never made it into my house.  But I can’t erase all the vivid memories Ryan has from all the Saw movies he watched with his very proud “father.”  I know that I am supposed to pray for his happiness.  In a world where I’m on the path to enlightenment, I know my ego and anger is controlling this situation right now.  Perhaps one day, a long time from now, I will find it in my heart to forgive all that’s been said and done to me, my son and to the man who is forever doing another man’s job.  But that day isn’t close.  The only word that comes to mind right now is indifference.  If I never see that man again, I’m okay with that.  If I have to answer an occasional text asking “Is Ryan ready to talk to me yet?” so be it.  But right now, I cannot bring myself to sincerely pray for a man who has no remorse, nor sees the error of his ways.  So, unless or until that day arrives, I will no longer allow him or his actions to consume me as they once did.  Ryan told me and 2 of my friends just the other day, that he hated his father and never wanted to speak to or see him again.  I’m a monster don’t forget.  I say horrible things about his father.  (Again…sarcasm) Well, I told Ryan WE don’t hate ANYONE.  We can hate their actions, or the words they say, but we do not hate the person.  They are human and are going to make mistakes.  We cannot fault someone for being ignorant.  All his “father” knows is screaming, yelling, name calling and violence to toughen his kids up.  If that’s all he knows, how can we be angry?  We can only teach by example.  There’s none of that in my house and Ryan is thriving!  One day with his “father” and he regresses so far back.  I can’t sit back and watch any more.  I can’t allow this to continue.  I’m the mama bear let’s not forget.  And regardless of who you are, I will not stand around and watch you hurt my child; ignorant or not.  So, this is it.  The last negative post you will find on my blog.  I’ve got my son, I’ve got my boyfriend, I’m surrounded by positive people and my life is GREAT.  No one, not even Ryan’s sperm donor is going to bring me down.  See?  Why focus on the negative when I have so much positive in my life??  The good outweighs the bad by a longshot and that is where my heart will reside from this moment on.  And isn’t it funny… according to the grapevine, I’m supposed to be being sued.  Shouldn’t I have been served with some kind of paperwork by now?  These people are a joke!  It’s so sad that you have to read my blog to find out what’s going on with your son…  And again, this is all because of YOU!  Hope all of you (with the exception of all the assholes following me and leaving anonymous hate mail because they’re nothing but cowards) have a great night!!

What’s REALLY important?

In a world where we have the potential to be at peace, love thy neighbor and do good, I woke up this morning hearing about this ISIS group.  Then I learned that Al Quida has distanced themselves because ISIS is far too violent for them?!  Who are these people?  Where did they come from?  Who’s funding their operation and allowing them to grow?  And how many of you will I lose when they decide it’s time to attack?  I don’t watch the news (because it’s too negative) so any info you can share with me would be greatly appreciated.

So, your rent is late, or you can’t pay a bill.  Your car’s acting up and you feel the need to curse out your mechanic because you were just there last week.  You don’t have enough money to pay for school supplies for your kids, or in my case, new clothes.  Does all of this REALLY matter when we’ve got psychopaths leaking into our country with the sole purpose of killing innocent people just to plant their flag at the White House?  I’d like to say I’m speechless, but I’m not.  It’s just that my thoughts are racing and I can’t slow them down long enough to grasp a thought that makes sense.  All I keep thinking about is getting a passport and getting the hell out of here!!

As always, I wish you all nothing but peace, love and happiness.  Life is too short, and at the end of the day, please make sure your loved ones know they are loved, as we don’t really know what tomorrow will bring.  A group of psychopaths, killing for the sake of …?  Killing. Senseless killing.  It HAS to stop!!!  Please…

~Kate…a truly grateful, praying for an end to this ISIS group and PEACE, Kate.

My B.A.D. A Thought for Tuesday

I can’t deny it.  The death of Robin WIlliams has been on my mind all day.  Not because he’s a celebrity, and because it’s the newest juicy story, but rather because he was a human being.  I don’t know the lifestyle he lived.  I imagine, with his success, it was one of luxury, but some of us know that money isn’t everything.  It makes me sad to know how many people are walking around this earth, with the exact same feelings he was harboring.  No matter how famous you are, or how much money you have, depression sets in and you’re alone.  No one gets you.  No one understands.  You’re fighting a constant battle in your head that no one else can see.  You try to vocalize it; find words to explain the pain you’re in.  Imagine the answers Robin might have gotten from doctor’s. “You’re Robin Williams!  What could you possibly have to be depressed about?!”  Did no one hear his cries for help?  Thoughts of suicide don’t normally happen over night.  It’s a long road, with a big “Dead End” sign at the end.  Now, the world has lost an amazing artist, and for what?  Because we have lost our sense of compassion.  I cannot fault those closest to him, as he was an actor, and probably put up a good front for them, leaving them in the dark.  If only…  If only he opened up.  If only he volunteered for mental illness awareness as well as the food shelters.  Perhaps I’d have something different to write about today.  But it kills me…  How many people have to commit suicide before SOMEONE will start taking mental illness seriously?!  Continue reading

Suicide – *DING -DING – DING* the winner of mental illness

I have always been a fan of Robin Williams.  The fact that suicide won makes me very sad.  If I had the strength to crawl out of such darkness, certainly he could do it!  But our lifestyles are completely different.  He obviously had much more pressure and was struggling with some sort of addiction.  The combination of the two is probably what made him sink into that dark place we never know is within us until we get there.  But to resort to suicide?  It was once said to me that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I wish I could have talked to him…  I wish I knew what hurt him so badly.  I wish I could have had the chance to tell him it will all be gone in a very short amount of time.  We have lost an amazing human being to mental illness.  This makes me very sad.  How many more have to commit suicide before someone will take mental illness more seriously?  I know that his presence will be strongly missed in my home…

~Kate