Houston, we have a problem… possibly. But I SO got this!

I took Ryan to his regular mental health doctor today for his weekly appointment, and he completely shut down.  Every time she asked a question, all she got were one word answers.  So, after the session, she came out to get me.  I don’t know what she was expecting (actually, I do, now that I’ve spoken to a child psychiatrist) but I spelled it out for her, she chose not to listen and prod Ryan, and got the results I told her she would get if she continued the prodding.  Right now, Ryan has a very strong dislike for his biological father, with good reason.  Do you think the man has made ANY attempt to even apologize for the false accusations he sent via a private PS3 message?  Nope.  I’ve gotten 2 texts.  “Does Ryan want to talk to me yet?”  That’s it.  Yesterday, when Ryan saw his father’s girlfriends son at school, he ran in the guidance office crying asking if he could please leave because he didn’t want to chance running into his “father.”  So, is this me bashing him?  Because that’s what he claims.  His exact words were “It’s bash after bash douche.”  Again, at what age is one expected to take accountability?  Sure you can tell Ryan all of these horrible things about me, but he LIVES WITH ME.  He knows they are not true and now sees you as a liar.  AWESOME!  And you want to blame ME for his anxiety issues? 

Well, Bill went to the doctor yesterday, and the doctor shook his hand and told him how refreshing it was to see a boyfriend take on such a huge role.  Ryan isn’t HIS responsibility, yet, he’s doing everything he can to help Ryan.  He’s doing ALL the things Ryan’s “father” should be doing.  And there’s no yelling and screaming in our house. There’s no name calling, and there’s no violence to toughen the kids up.  Ryan feels safe here, and has absolutely no interest in ever speaking to his “father” again.  So, a heads up “Dad”… Maybe you should apologize.  Maybe you should tell him you said these horrible things about me and Bill, out of anger and apologize for lying.  There’s a start.  And that’s all you’re getting from me.  I’m DONE helping you.

Now, let’s just hope Ryan is comfortable with the new doc, because him shutting down is NOT cool.  See?  We make all this progress, his father pops up and we’re back to the beginning.  Awesome.  And feel free to print this out and go cry to the judge you idiot.  This is NOT a bash… I’m sorry that the truth hurts.  I’m NOT sorry that Ryan wants nothing to do with you.  After the comments you made?  I wouldn’t be surprised AT ALL if he NEVER talks to you again, and it’s ALL YOUR DOING!!!

So, fellow bloggers, please keep Ryan in your prayers, that the new doctor will be able to get him to open up, and feel like the 11 year old he’s supposed to be?  It would be greatly appreciated.

~Kate…one fed up with making excuses for an adult man who refuses to take accountability, Kate.

****UPDATED****

I would also like to apologize for the negativity.  This man just happens to bring the best out of me (Um…sarcasm).  The things he has said and done to my son are things no child should be exposed to.  I wish I could put into words the new doctors expression when we informed him that Ryan’s “father” bought him Grand Theft Auto 5 for Christmas.  The game never made it into my house.  But I can’t erase all the vivid memories Ryan has from all the Saw movies he watched with his very proud “father.”  I know that I am supposed to pray for his happiness.  In a world where I’m on the path to enlightenment, I know my ego and anger is controlling this situation right now.  Perhaps one day, a long time from now, I will find it in my heart to forgive all that’s been said and done to me, my son and to the man who is forever doing another man’s job.  But that day isn’t close.  The only word that comes to mind right now is indifference.  If I never see that man again, I’m okay with that.  If I have to answer an occasional text asking “Is Ryan ready to talk to me yet?” so be it.  But right now, I cannot bring myself to sincerely pray for a man who has no remorse, nor sees the error of his ways.  So, unless or until that day arrives, I will no longer allow him or his actions to consume me as they once did.  Ryan told me and 2 of my friends just the other day, that he hated his father and never wanted to speak to or see him again.  I’m a monster don’t forget.  I say horrible things about his father.  (Again…sarcasm) Well, I told Ryan WE don’t hate ANYONE.  We can hate their actions, or the words they say, but we do not hate the person.  They are human and are going to make mistakes.  We cannot fault someone for being ignorant.  All his “father” knows is screaming, yelling, name calling and violence to toughen his kids up.  If that’s all he knows, how can we be angry?  We can only teach by example.  There’s none of that in my house and Ryan is thriving!  One day with his “father” and he regresses so far back.  I can’t sit back and watch any more.  I can’t allow this to continue.  I’m the mama bear let’s not forget.  And regardless of who you are, I will not stand around and watch you hurt my child; ignorant or not.  So, this is it.  The last negative post you will find on my blog.  I’ve got my son, I’ve got my boyfriend, I’m surrounded by positive people and my life is GREAT.  No one, not even Ryan’s sperm donor is going to bring me down.  See?  Why focus on the negative when I have so much positive in my life??  The good outweighs the bad by a longshot and that is where my heart will reside from this moment on.  And isn’t it funny… according to the grapevine, I’m supposed to be being sued.  Shouldn’t I have been served with some kind of paperwork by now?  These people are a joke!  It’s so sad that you have to read my blog to find out what’s going on with your son…  And again, this is all because of YOU!  Hope all of you (with the exception of all the assholes following me and leaving anonymous hate mail because they’re nothing but cowards) have a great night!!

We have a winner!!!!

After years of on again off again doctors and social workers, I have finally found a doctor I do believe Ryan is going to love.  He’s funny, realistic, and tells you like it is.  There’s nothing wrong with Ryan!!  He has anxiety which is ultimately caused by confusion.  I can totally understand where the confusion comes in, and Bill and I are going to do our best to teach him; to help him understand and be less confused.  What a good day…  I was a wreck going into this appointment, but feel so much better now.  I can’t wait for Ryan to meet him!!  Thank you all for your ongoing support.  It means more to me than you’ll ever know.  I seriously think this much happiness must be illegal.  My dad always says, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.  Well, most of the time, he’s right.  However, not this time.  I am walking on sunshine, and SOOOO  loving all my boys (dad included).  Now I’m going to relax from a very eventful day by wrapping myself up around Bill like a pretzel and falling asleep in my favorite place in the world (his arms).  Good night fellow bloggers.  I wish you all the happiness in the world!!

~Kate…one extremely grateful, euphorically happy, deeply in love, Kate.

My B.A.D. A Thought for Tuesday

I can’t deny it.  The death of Robin WIlliams has been on my mind all day.  Not because he’s a celebrity, and because it’s the newest juicy story, but rather because he was a human being.  I don’t know the lifestyle he lived.  I imagine, with his success, it was one of luxury, but some of us know that money isn’t everything.  It makes me sad to know how many people are walking around this earth, with the exact same feelings he was harboring.  No matter how famous you are, or how much money you have, depression sets in and you’re alone.  No one gets you.  No one understands.  You’re fighting a constant battle in your head that no one else can see.  You try to vocalize it; find words to explain the pain you’re in.  Imagine the answers Robin might have gotten from doctor’s. “You’re Robin Williams!  What could you possibly have to be depressed about?!”  Did no one hear his cries for help?  Thoughts of suicide don’t normally happen over night.  It’s a long road, with a big “Dead End” sign at the end.  Now, the world has lost an amazing artist, and for what?  Because we have lost our sense of compassion.  I cannot fault those closest to him, as he was an actor, and probably put up a good front for them, leaving them in the dark.  If only…  If only he opened up.  If only he volunteered for mental illness awareness as well as the food shelters.  Perhaps I’d have something different to write about today.  But it kills me…  How many people have to commit suicide before SOMEONE will start taking mental illness seriously?!  Continue reading

Suicide – *DING -DING – DING* the winner of mental illness

I have always been a fan of Robin Williams.  The fact that suicide won makes me very sad.  If I had the strength to crawl out of such darkness, certainly he could do it!  But our lifestyles are completely different.  He obviously had much more pressure and was struggling with some sort of addiction.  The combination of the two is probably what made him sink into that dark place we never know is within us until we get there.  But to resort to suicide?  It was once said to me that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I wish I could have talked to him…  I wish I knew what hurt him so badly.  I wish I could have had the chance to tell him it will all be gone in a very short amount of time.  We have lost an amazing human being to mental illness.  This makes me very sad.  How many more have to commit suicide before someone will take mental illness more seriously?  I know that his presence will be strongly missed in my home…

~Kate

B.A.D. Thankful Thursday

You know I could go on and on for hours about all that I’m thankful for, so I’ll use my Thursday blog for just one or 2 things, so as not to bore you to death.  You see, where you might see something as normal, a piece of furniture for example, I see it as a blessing.  It wasn’t so long ago that I had nothing.  I once had a house, jam packed with furniture and all the neighborhood kids would come over everyday because I was the cool mom.  I would get involved and play with them.  I would praise the art work they were doing, or the victory on the video game.  Their achievements didn’t go un-noticed by me, even if they brought them home and their parents threw away the silly clutter piling up on the counter.

Nope.  I would look at everything, point out its beauty, and make each child feel special for that moment.  I don’t know what went on behind closed doors, but the fact that they flocked to my house told me they were lacking something at home.  I was more than happy to give it to them.

Then I got divorced, met a man who spent 3 years lying to me, only to end up living in my mothers cold, damp, musty basement of her one bedroom apartment. Everything I owned, with the exception of a twin sized mattress was GONE.  So, the couch I’m sitting on?  Extremely grateful for it.  The apartment I’m living in?  LOVE it! 

As I mentioned in my post yesterday, I am now recovering from emergency surgery.  My son has karate class tonight.  I cannot drive, and I cannot climb the stairs to get to the class.  I am extremely thankful for my mother, who has offered to take him tonight.  He’s promoting next month, and can’t miss any classes.  And I can’t count on his “donor” for anything, as he bails out at the last second.

So as I look around my house, I see clutter, and I love it.  It’s all mine. I went from absolutely nothing, to needing a storage unit!!  I made a promise to my son one night, as we went to sleep in that twin bed in my mothers basement apartment.  I promised I’d find us a home; that I’d get us out of this place that mental illness (and a few key characters) drove me to.  As I look around, I can now say I’ve done it.  I have fulfilled my promise to my son, and his reaction yesterday to me having surgery tells me all I need to know.  So, go ahead.  Call me crazy.  I’m a fighter.  I’m an optimist.  I have mental illness in the form of severe depression and anxiety.  The more you call me crazy, the more ignorant you look.

So, I’m blessed to have my mother, who not only took us in when the school called to tell me my sons father was neglecting him, but she still continues to help me.  I’m forever grateful.

Peace, love and happiness, Always,

~Kate